Dave’s Gay Adventures (Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That)

Standing in line to get coffee and a snack at the Barnes & Noble bookstore with my friend Terry one day, the server asked, “Do you boys want two forks with that?”  Terry had ordered a carrot cake with his coffee, but the funny thing was we weren’t even standing next to each other in line; I was behind him waiting my turn.

I’m not always the brightest guy and in fact it took me a couple of moments to realize the implication of what she was asking us.  Just like George Costanza in the Seinfeld episode “The Outing”, I was ready to prove my heterosexualness to her right then and there.  I blamed Terry at the time because he was wearing a purple shirt and I was convinced this is what made her think we were a gay couple.

A few years later, I was in Las Vegas for a shoe convention where I had the opportunity to go to dinner with my friend and Oakley sales rep, Eric.  Entering one of the fancy restaurants in the hotel, these two Oklahoma rednecks sat down to enjoy an evening meal together. 

The waiter recited for us the appetizers; ending with lobster bisque.  We looked at each other and I said the bisque sounded pretty good.  Now in all honesty my only experience with lobster bisque came from another episode of Seinfeld.  Eric agreed and told the waiter we would split one.

Apparently neither one of us knew bisque was a type of soup and the server didn’t feel obliged to explain this to us; probably because we were in Vegas and whatever happens in Vegas supposedly stays there.  When he returned with the bisque and we realized what we had ordered, Eric embarrassedly asked, “Do you have a ladle?” The bisque was very tasty and I’m sure we looked a little silly dipping it from the bowl into our saucers, but we both learned a valuable lesson.

Telling my wife the story later it dawned on me I was the common denominator in both of these experiences.  In today’s society being homosexual or lesbian is more socially acceptable than at any other time in history, but I have to admit I may be a lot of things, but gay is not one of them.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  In fact I’ve often said the only way I could be gay is if I was a woman; because then I could like women.

You might be asking where is he going with all of this; what’s his take on sexual orientation?  Truthfully, I thought it was a funny story and just wanted to share…I’ll leave to you what you want to believe, after all, this is probably what you’re going to do anyway, right?  My primary goal today was to see if I could get anyone’s attention with my writing.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

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