Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam

Today I’d like to talk about something men hate, but let me forewarn you ladies, you may not like what I have to say at first, but I think if you will read this through to the end, you might end up agreeing with me.

Wives, when you tell your husband during sex, “Just hurry up and finish.” You might as well be saying, “You’re not worth my time.”  Now before you get mad at me, hear me out.  Sex is supposed to be the most intimate time a married couple can experience together.  It’s not just about the sexual act; it’s about connecting with one another on a level you share with no one else.

I know a lot of men who think sex is just about getting their rocks off, having a sandwich and then going to sleep.  But there is so much more and guys who only use women as their release valve really haven’t figured it out, regardless of what they think or say.

Having a positive sex life with your spouse takes time and effort on both of your parts.  If you tell your husband often to just hurry up and get off of you, I have a couple of questions to ask.  Is it because it’s painful?  Is he too rough?  Does he only pay attention to you when you’re having sex?  Are there things in your past you’ve been holding on to and possibly transferring to him when it comes time for sex?  Do you climax during sex, or is all about him?

I understand I’m speaking in very general terms here when I say this, but many women could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again and it would be perfectly fine with them.  Women usually aren’t as interested in sex as men are; therefore it’s up to us men to start working on things before ever making it to the bedroom.

I heard a man say one time, “Sex begins in the kitchen.”  He wasn’t saying to have sex in the kitchen, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but what he meant was, before ever getting her to take her clothes off, sex begins by doing little things around the house without her telling you to do them; like emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash or maybe giving her a break while you get dinner ready for the family.

I heard another speaker tell his audience, “When it comes to sex; women are like crock pots and men are like microwave ovens.”  Yeah, I know there seems to be a kitchen theme here, but stay with me.  A crock pot cooks your meal, but it may take all day to get it ready, where a microwave can cook your food in under a minute.The point he was making is it takes women longer to get ready for sex than it does men.

Guys start putting money in the bank so to speak by loving your bride in nonsexual ways.  Do little things around the house, rub her feet or back with no strings attached or bring her little gifts for no reason.  Loving her well before the actual sex act takes place will bring so much more passion to your lovemaking and will make it much more amazing for both of you.  And if you love her well before climbing into bed with her, she probably won’t be saying to you, “Hurry up and get off of me!” when you are having sex.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.

Sex

Sex.  This one little word has more power than just about any other.  It has set kingdoms on fire, toppled powerful men and has captured the minds of every boy once entering puberty.  It’s been described as dirty, only to be used for procreating and makes people feel uncomfortable when it is discussed in a group setting.

Before I was married, my knowledge of this subject came mostly from the movies I watched.  Oh, there was that one time when my mom handed me a pamphlet about it.  Can anyone say awkward?  Most of the movies I watched drove home this thought; women are as horny as men, and they want to have sex just as badly as men do.

My actual experience has taught me differently.  Obviously I’m speaking in general terms here, I’m sure there are a few women out there who like sex as much as men, but for the sake of this blog we will assume most women are not this way.

My knowledge about sex when I got married was you slide tab A into slot B as many times as possible until you got a release.  No one ever told me slot B should be experiencing a release as well.  A friend gave me some advice which helped me as a young married man, and continues to this day, he told me, “David, make sure momma gets her cookies before you do.”  What this means is don’t just hop on, finish and then hop off.  If you are not bringing your wife to orgasm every time, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy here.  Sex should be pleasurable for both of you.

What I’m not going to do is tell you what you should do; sex will be different for every couple.  What works for me and my bride may not work for you and yours.  The main thing here is you should be looking for ways to satisfy her before satisfying yourself.

You should never compare your sex life with other couples, and you really shouldn’t talk about your sex life (in detail) with other guys.  One thing I’ve learned from listening to men talk is they will lie about their sex life.  They will lie about the frequency, what she does and where they do it, usually anything to make themselves look better.

Sex with your wife is a special thing; one which should be only between the two of you.  If you talk about her in front of others, it disrespects her.  And if she happens to be there when you are talking about your sex life with others, it can embarrass her.  The only time you should talk about your sex life is when she has given you permission and you are trying to help another couple.  And then keep it simple; again don’t really go into detail.

A lot of guys who have talked to me tell me their sex life is nonexistent; maybe anniversaries, birthdays, or some other special occasion, which is sad.  I once heard a guy say he bought a years supply of condoms and it was a 12 pack; I thought to myself, “Wow poor guy”.

Maybe your sex life is like this, with a lack of frequency. My first question would be how are you treating your bride.  Are you helping out around the house, or with the kids, or do you roll over at night, nudge her and say, “Hey, wanna do it?”  Don’t be a gorilla, be tender with her and help out around the house.  Take out the trash without being told to, talk nice to her and give her a hug or foot rub without any strings attached.

After she’s had a hard day; send her out to get coffee with some friends while you stay home and take care of the kids for the evening.  When you do these kinds of things, she will notice and it will pay you huge dividends later.

One last thought here, if you have not been doing things like this to love her before having sex with her, don’t expect the first time you do it for her to strip off her clothes and attack you.  It may take time and effort on your part.  Don’t quit just because you don’t see results right away.  She may be watching to see if this is just another ploy for you to get into her pants.

If this is your only motivation for making changes, you will never see a great sex life in your future.  Believe me, a great sex life in marriage is possible, but it does take consistent effort and work from you.  Do this however, and it won’t be long before you’ll be sliding your tab into her slot.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt-free Sex

I remember one day back when I was an eleven year old boy; I was home and bored and went looking for an adventure.  This ended with me going through my dad’s dresser drawers.  The thoughts of getting caught only heightened the excitement with each drawer I opened, ending with the fourth drawer on top and something inside which changed my life forever; a picture of a naked lady.

My adventure had paid off and as I thought, “Wow!” in my nether regions there was an exclamation point of another kind.  A desire was awaked there which I had never experienced before and one which has not abated to this day.  This was the day I was introduced to the desire of a woman.

One night not too long ago, I was perusing Netflix and came across a movie entitled “Hot Bot”.  I could tell it was going to be about sex from the half naked girl on the title screen, and I wish I could tell you I skipped right over it in one of my holier moments, but I didn’t.  I started the movie; wondering what exactly I was going to see, but just a few minutes into it there was a topless girl,  so I stopped the show and turned off my television feeling a little bit guilty for having watched even those few minutes.

The one thing about this movie which did get me to thinking was this notion of having a robot around just for sex.  Truthfully I don’t know what the exact story of this movie was, but it definitely seemed to revolve around having sex without any type of entanglements; like being married or in a committed relationship.  It did get me to thinking about the idea of guilt-free sex though and is there really such a thing?

Men are hard wired for sex, and we are aroused by what we see more than any other form of stimulus.  It is part of how we as men were created and if it weren’t for this attraction to the opposite sex we probably wouldn’t be very interested in girls in the first place.

Now before my female audience says all men are pigs; I’m not saying women are here just for men’s pleasure and to be objectified.  It’s true the female form is beautiful, alluring and a work of art, but this does not give men the right to leer, stare and see her only as an object to be conquered.

A committed relationship should be the first requirement for all sexual encounters between a man and a woman.  Yeah, this is probably not a popular thought in the minds of men who think multiple sexual encounters is where it’s at, but it is the truth.  To be brutally honest, if you are only using women to “get your rocks off”, then you’ve missed the whole point of sex.

What is the point of sex then?  Sex isn’t the focal point of a relationship; it is the end result of a man and a woman sharing their lives together.  As a man and a woman do life together; sharing in both the successes and failures it brings, sex helps to cement the fact they are in it together and not alone.

Extramarital affairs, viewing porn and sowing your wild oats may sound like a great life, but the end results usually produce guilt.  Not to bore you with the science behind what goes on in a man’s brain when sex is involved, but there is this chemical called dopamine which is released into the pleasure center of the brain.  When you have a sexual experience, this chemical gets dumped into your brain, resulting in the euphoric feeling you have.

The problem with sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is it takes more and more stimuli to get the same amount of dopamine into your system.  If you watch porn, then after a while you will need to watch more provocative things to get the same reaction.  And once the new wears off of the affair you’re in, you will need more; a new partner, or doing stranger things than at first to get that same fulfillment.

What you will find with all of this however is guilt shows up every time.  You may not recognize it at first, because of the excitement of what you are doing, but eventually guilt will worm its way into your brain.  Even the most desensitized person will recognize it after a while.  Whether or not you admit it to yourself is another thing altogether, but as you lay in bed in the dark of night alone with your thoughts, you’ll begin to see how unfulfilling all of these things are.

Is there guilt-free sex then?  The answer is yes, and it is found in the committed marriage relationship of a man and a woman.  Two people on the journey of life with all of its ups and downs, committed to staying with each other no matter what comes against them. Giving their bodies to each other through sexual fulfillment and no other, keeping the marriage bed undefiled.

Can you do this?  The answer is yes most definitely.  Men, you have what it takes to be the lover your woman needs; stop objectifying her, and look to her needs first.  If you are viewing porn, then commit to stopping; it’s not helping you and in fact actually hurting you.  If you have had, or are in an extramarital affair, get out of it.  Get into counseling with your wife, work out the problems and make your marriage work.  It’ll be worth it, I promise!

If you need help in any of these areas shoot me an email and let’s talk.  No condemnation, because listen you do have what it takes, and there is way more to you than meets the eye.  You are destined for greatness, let’s see you get there.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.

 

 

 

 

 

Husbands, Are You Helping Your Bride To Soar?

It was a rainy Sunday morning outside, but the Son was shining brightly during the worship portion of our weekly church service.  Watching my son and his wife lead us in song, I thought back to when Holly was more timid and shy as she sang.  I remembered she said Micah was very encouraging and helpful to her in the pursuit of everything she did and how it had helped her grow in every area she pursued.  As I pondered this, a thought  came to me I’d like to share with you.

It is the husband’s responsibility to afford his wife the opportunities to develop her life and become the fullest representation of a woman in Christ she can be.  The man who refuses to do this for his bride is a selfish man who lacks the knowledge of what it means to be a true and authentic man of God.

~ David W Felts

After jotting this thought in my phone; I began thinking about my wife and what I’ve done over the years to encourage her in pursuing those things which make her heart come alive.  Have I done enough, or does she possibly feel stifled in who she is as a woman because of me? Have I been encouraging as a husband, or a needy little boy with his own agenda?

I believe men are supposed to be three things; a lover, leader and provider. I look to these three areas of my life often to see if I’m being the man my bride needs me to be. It’s not always easy; there are times I just want to run off and do what I want to do instead of the things I need to do in order to be the man I’m supposed to be. But I come back to what my responsibilities are and do what’s right.  I guess this is what separates the men from the boys.

Don’t get me wrong, I think men need to spend time their friends too; all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy after all. As men however, we should be putting the needs of our brides and family before anything else, including our own needs. I know this is not a popular thought in the world today, and the men who live to put the needs of their families before their own are often ostracized by the men who don’t do this.

My life is more fulfilled when I’m helping my bride become who she is supposed to be and spending less time on just what I want to do. I guess the old saying it is better to give than receive really rings true in this instance. If you’re one of those guys who says, “Sure I love you.  I married you didn’t I?” but insists on his own way first, perhaps you should take a closer look at your bride and see if she is a better person after having been with you than she was before she met you. If not Bubba it’s time for you to make a change.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

It’s the Little Things

Fire raced across the living room floor where only moments before, John had led his children and wife to the front door and safety.  The fire was quickly moving through the house, turning to ash everything it touched in its journey.  It was 2am and even though it was cold outside, the heat from the house fire was keeping him warm as he watched the smoke curl upwards towards the night sky.  John was thankful he’d been able to get his family out in time.

Fire can destroy a home in a matter of minutes, taking away the place you live.  And while this type of disaster is horrible, there is one even more insidious which brings about the same results; although it usually takes years to accomplish.  

The little critters known as termites eat away at the wood in your home, and while these tiny little insects may seem insignificant to you because of their size, if left unchecked they will bring your house down around you.

The big things which happen in your life are noticeable because they’re right there in your face, but it’s the little things which can actually do more damage.  This is because it happens over a period of time and you don’t notice the changes as they’re happening.  It may take years before you actually see what they have done.

One thing you can do to prevent this type of devastation is to take preventative measures.  If you’ll step up and do things to check on the status of your house periodically, you can, like Barney Fife said in “The Andy Griffith Show” nip it in the bud.

Just like these little things can destroy your home, the same can be said for your marriage.  Many married men find out too late that their wife no longer has any interest in them and possibly has even taken the kids and left.  They scratch their heads and wonder where it all went wrong.

It’s because they didn’t take any preventative measures to assure their relationship was doing well.  Over time they allowed little things to come in and eat away at their relationship.  Not big things mind you, but little things here and there like ignoring the trash, leaving their underwear on the floor, only talking to her about paying the bills or ignoring her feelings about various things.  The list goes on and on.

If we’re not careful men, married life can end up like a business.  And neither one of you got married so you could be in a business venture.  Just as the little things can erode your relationship, doing little things for each other can strengthen it too.  Remembering her birthday or your anniversary without her having to remind you, bringing home her favorite candy or flowers for no apparent reason or making sure the trash is taken care of, all of these things can go a long way to making her feel loved.

After all isn’t this what we all want in our marriages, to be loved?  If you’ll focus on her needs, taking the appropriate measures to do the little things which tell her you love her every day, it’ll be just like taking preventative measures to make sure you don’t have any of those pesky little insects devouring your home from the inside.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.