I’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, whoa, that lovin’ feeling, you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, now it’s gone…gone…gone…wooooooh.”

I made a statement once which I think angered a lady. We were part of a group discussion about marriage and I said most days I have to choose to love my wife, it doesn’t just come naturally. She responded by saying how awful this was and she believed love isn’t a choice but a by product of what happens when you find your mate. Her naiveté was showing, but she had only been married a few years and was still in the throws of the love induced hormones working in her brain.

I’m not a doctor, nor have I ever played one on TV, but I did learn about this little area in the brain which produces a chemical giving you that “lovin’ feeling”. It’s what causes us to be attracted to our spouse at first. It’s almost as if there wasn’t this chemical imbalance in our brain which steers us towards our mate we’d never give them the time of day; and this is exactly what God intended.

While this chemical helps us overlook little things which might aggravate us at first, once it stops producing we can get annoyed by them and feel as if we don’t love this person anymore. It’s at this point in our relationship we need to have a solid commitment and are willing to stick to our vows. This is where the choice to love someone comes into play.

My bride and I have been married for over twenty-eight years and there have been plenty of opportunities for both of us to have said to heck with this and throw in the towel; but we haven’t, we’ve stuck it out, sometimes slugging it out to work through our issues. Of course I don’t mean physically; this is not okay under any circumstance. We’ve had to work to see things from each other’s perspective (something which takes time and effort) and we agree to disagree from time to time. What we’ve learned, is to give in on the little things and stick to our guns on the bigger issues, but always from an aspect of I’m in this for the long haul, so we’re going to make it work.

When we first met and began talking about marriage, divorce was never an option for either of us. We made this commitment to each other before we ever said our vows. We both decided that whenever we disagreed about something, we would never speak of divorce. When we fight and yes in twenty-eight years together we’ve had plenty of opportunities for this, it has been easy to work through things knowing the other person isn’t willing to quit. There is a lot of comfort in this too!

I am totally amazed how quick younger couples give up nowadays. Instead of seeking counsel from older people who’ve been married for many years, and figuring out how to work through their issues, they just jump ship, missing out on what is one of the greatest things; sharing your life with another person .

I heard a man say the number one indicator of divorce is the avoidance of conflict. When you avoid disagreements, just agreeing for the sake of not having an argument, you are making a grave mistake in your marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I hate to argue, but I have come to learn if my bride and I don’t talk out our differences in the hope of resolving them, then our relationship is not going to get any stronger; and building a strong life together is worth the effort I promise you.

The next time it seems you’ve lost that “loving feeling“; knuckle down, stick to your guns and work it out. Don’t quit thinking you can find another person who will give you this feeling. You may, but in a short time you’ll just be back where you were with the other relationship. If you have questions, email me. I don’t know everything, but I do know a little bit having been married this long and I’m happy to help.

Email: godsfirstknight@yahoo.com

You Made a Promise, Now Keep It!

The conversation started like this, “Dave, I’ve met a girl.”

“What do you mean you met a girl?” Wondering as I said it, because he was already married.

“It’s a girl I knew from high school.”

Mentally scratching my head I thought, “Well, this can’t be good.”

This conversation happened many years ago, (no names to protect the innocent) and as he continued telling me about this girl he knew from high school who had turned up in his life again, I was shocked. This was WAY before Facebook too, so reconnecting with old flames isn’t a new thing.

At the time of our talk he had finished college, had a good paying job and was married.  He told me she had contacted him out of the blue; just to catch up you know, totally innocent.  But as the phone calls increased, they decided to hook up.  He made up a story about a hunting weekend, packed all his gear and ended up at the old girlfriend’s house for two and a half days.

“Man, it was the best sex I’ve ever had Dave.  I think I’m in love.”  He told me all of this in confidence, and it was knowledge I wished I’d never been given.  The more I thought about this in the days which followed, the more it ate at me.  I couldn’t help but think about his wife; who thought their marriage was great, never realizing all the numerous hunting and fishing trips he was taking as often as possible were really romantic liaisons with another woman.

We talked again a few weeks later, and you would’ve thought he was back in high school the way he talked about this new girl in his life.  He explained how they had dated in school, but a miscommunication their senior year caused them to break up.  He said, “I would’ve married her back then if it wasn’t for this.  I’ve gotta leave my wife and marry her, she’s my true love.”

I couldn’t take it any longer and said, “What about your marriage vows, you know, to have and to hold in sickness and in health until death parts you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know she still loved me.  I would’ve never gotten married if I’d known.  My high school sweetheart is the one I should’ve been with all along.”

“Man, cheating is wrong!  You made a commitment to your wife, and you should honor it.  You need to cut it off with this other girl now.”

There was more to this conversation; which involved a lot of yelling, cussing and him trying to make the case for why cheating on his wife was okay, me countering it with why is wasn’t, but when it was all said and done, what we had left was a broken friendship.  He went his way, and I went mine.  I heard a few months later he had left his wife and moved in with the old girlfriend.  I’ve got no idea where he is today.  His ex-wife remarried and is living happily ever after now with a great family.

I am an opinionated, self-righteous loud mouth at times.  I think if you have read my blogs you’ve probably figured out I am not a man who minces words when it comes to things I’m passionate about.  I don’t apologize for this, it is who I am.

One of the things I’m very passionate about is marriage.  Having been married for almost twenty-eight years to the same woman, I can tell you it is by far one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life.  Being married is also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; it takes a lot of work to make it great.

Cheating on your wife is wrong no matter what spin you put on it.  When you married her, you committed to stay with her forsaking all others; ALL.  This is pretty cut and dry, it means you will stay with her for the rest of your life.  Now some guys look at this as imprisonment, but then they don’t understand what marriage really is all about.

Marriage is about giving yourself completely to one person; and I’m not just talking about sexually, although this is one element of it.  When you give yourself completely to another person, you look out for their interests before your own.  You make sure their needs are met before meeting your own.

Many times you will hear people say, “Marriage is 50/50.  This is not true; to make your marriage work you have to give 100 percent.  This is why so many men fail in their marriages.  Now understand; I am speaking in general terms here, if this doesn’t apply to your marriage, then great, but more often than not the problem in marriages revolve around the husband.  After all, he is the head of the family, and the leader.  If he’s not leading well, then the marriage won’t be doing well.

I’m not really sure why I get so worked up about infidelity, but I know I hate it!  I hate what it does to the relationship between husband and wife.  And if there are kids in the mix, well it causes the problems to grow exponentially.

If your marriage isn’t what you want it to be guys, then make the necessary corrections in what you’re doing so it will be.  It’s not rocket science, give one hundred percent, taking care of the needs of your bride and she will reciprocate, I promise you.