Guilt-free Sex

I remember one day back when I was an eleven year old boy; I was home and bored and went looking for an adventure.  This ended with me going through my dad’s dresser drawers.  The thoughts of getting caught only heightened the excitement with each drawer I opened, ending with the fourth drawer on top and something inside which changed my life forever; a picture of a naked lady.

My adventure had paid off and as I thought, “Wow!” in my nether regions there was an exclamation point of another kind.  A desire was awaked there which I had never experienced before and one which has not abated to this day.  This was the day I was introduced to the desire of a woman.

One night not too long ago, I was perusing Netflix and came across a movie entitled “Hot Bot”.  I could tell it was going to be about sex from the half naked girl on the title screen, and I wish I could tell you I skipped right over it in one of my holier moments, but I didn’t.  I started the movie; wondering what exactly I was going to see, but just a few minutes into it there was a topless girl,  so I stopped the show and turned off my television feeling a little bit guilty for having watched even those few minutes.

The one thing about this movie which did get me to thinking was this notion of having a robot around just for sex.  Truthfully I don’t know what the exact story of this movie was, but it definitely seemed to revolve around having sex without any type of entanglements; like being married or in a committed relationship.  It did get me to thinking about the idea of guilt-free sex though and is there really such a thing?

Men are hard wired for sex, and we are aroused by what we see more than any other form of stimulus.  It is part of how we as men were created and if it weren’t for this attraction to the opposite sex we probably wouldn’t be very interested in girls in the first place.

Now before my female audience says all men are pigs; I’m not saying women are here just for men’s pleasure and to be objectified.  It’s true the female form is beautiful, alluring and a work of art, but this does not give men the right to leer, stare and see her only as an object to be conquered.

A committed relationship should be the first requirement for all sexual encounters between a man and a woman.  Yeah, this is probably not a popular thought in the minds of men who think multiple sexual encounters is where it’s at, but it is the truth.  To be brutally honest, if you are only using women to “get your rocks off”, then you’ve missed the whole point of sex.

What is the point of sex then?  Sex isn’t the focal point of a relationship; it is the end result of a man and a woman sharing their lives together.  As a man and a woman do life together; sharing in both the successes and failures it brings, sex helps to cement the fact they are in it together and not alone.

Extramarital affairs, viewing porn and sowing your wild oats may sound like a great life, but the end results usually produce guilt.  Not to bore you with the science behind what goes on in a man’s brain when sex is involved, but there is this chemical called dopamine which is released into the pleasure center of the brain.  When you have a sexual experience, this chemical gets dumped into your brain, resulting in the euphoric feeling you have.

The problem with sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is it takes more and more stimuli to get the same amount of dopamine into your system.  If you watch porn, then after a while you will need to watch more provocative things to get the same reaction.  And once the new wears off of the affair you’re in, you will need more; a new partner, or doing stranger things than at first to get that same fulfillment.

What you will find with all of this however is guilt shows up every time.  You may not recognize it at first, because of the excitement of what you are doing, but eventually guilt will worm its way into your brain.  Even the most desensitized person will recognize it after a while.  Whether or not you admit it to yourself is another thing altogether, but as you lay in bed in the dark of night alone with your thoughts, you’ll begin to see how unfulfilling all of these things are.

Is there guilt-free sex then?  The answer is yes, and it is found in the committed marriage relationship of a man and a woman.  Two people on the journey of life with all of its ups and downs, committed to staying with each other no matter what comes against them. Giving their bodies to each other through sexual fulfillment and no other, keeping the marriage bed undefiled.

Can you do this?  The answer is yes most definitely.  Men, you have what it takes to be the lover your woman needs; stop objectifying her, and look to her needs first.  If you are viewing porn, then commit to stopping; it’s not helping you and in fact actually hurting you.  If you have had, or are in an extramarital affair, get out of it.  Get into counseling with your wife, work out the problems and make your marriage work.  It’ll be worth it, I promise!

If you need help in any of these areas shoot me an email and let’s talk.  No condemnation, because listen you do have what it takes, and there is way more to you than meets the eye.  You are destined for greatness, let’s see you get there.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi, My Name Is ED And I’m Addicted To Porn

Their dinner finished and the kitchen cleaned, John and Suzy settled into their respective places in the living room; she on the couch reading her latest romance novel and he in his recliner on his phone surfing the web.  This had become a typical night home for them, now in their second year of marriage.

Turning page after page only heightened her desire for John as the evening wore on.  And after about an hour she laid the book down, got up and walked over to him.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw her moving towards him and quickly switched the screen of his phone over to Facebook from the pornographic images he was scrolling through.

“Honey, let’s go to the bedroom.” she purred tugging on his earlobe with her lips.

“Sounds good,” he said, “go on and get ready and I’ll be there in a minute.”

Running her fingers across his chest she rose and went to the bedroom.  Quickly he opened the browser on his phone and started looking for a video which would give him an erection before heading to the bedroom.

Porn usages have risen in the world by extraordinary rates in the past few years, and with it so has erectile dysfunction. One thing which has not been discussed much until recently however is the connection between porn usage and ED.  In watching a video about this subject I was surprised to hear that many young men now between the ages of 18 – 25 have little to no desire for sex.  What?!?  When I was this age, it was predominantly on my mind.  Oh who am I kidding?  It’s still predominantly on my mind today and I’m 52.

In his book “The Brain That Changes Itself”, MD Norman Doidge said,

“Today, young men who surf porn are tremendously fearful of impotence or “erectile dysfunction” as it is euphemistically called.  The misleading term implies that these men have a problem with their penises, but the problem is in their heads.  It rarely occurs to them that there may be a relationship between the pornography they are consuming and their impotence.”

An interesting finding is intense exposure to pornographic stimuli results in a down regulation of the natural neural response to sexual stimuli.  Meaning quite simply, when you flood your mind with pornographic images seeing your wife’s naked body just doesn’t do it for you any more.

The question I must ask, is why do you feel the need to look at porn in the first place? Is there something missing in your relationship with your bride, or did you bring this into your marriage from bachelorhood? Whatever the reason, you need to eradicate porn from the equation of your relationship.

If you are suffering from ED, don’t go to the doctor for a pill; the problem is more than likely not in your pants, it’s in what you’re viewing, so stop your porn usage. The one thing I found in my study of this, is the men who are having trouble with ED when they stopped their porn intake, regained their normal sexual desire within a few months.

The good news is this is one area where willpower actually is the main ingredient in your success. If it helps however, find a good accountability software and put it on your phone and computer.  Slay this giant before it slays you, and get back to enjoying sexual fulfillment with your bride, you’ll be glad you did and so will she.