Are You Being Your Bride’s Superhero?

Let me ask you married men a question; do you know your wife’s love language? You know the things you do which show her you really love her? Just saying, “I love you.” isn’t enough, she needs to see something which proves your love as well.

In my home, I’m responsible for taking out the garbage. I see to it all our refuse is put in the trash container and placed by the curb to be picked up on Fridays. If our trash  can is piled high with its contents balancing precariously on top, this bothers my wife. Taking care of this household chore is just one of the many things I do which shows her I love her.

Guys, if you’re like me, you probably worked pretty hard in the beginning when you dated her; pulling out all the stops to impress your girl. If I was a betting man, I’d say you did a lot of crazy things to show her how much you wanted and desired her. The problem is we often stop doing these things after saying, “I do.” Too many men get upset after the wedding because the lovey dovey stuff seems to end and the nagging begins.

When I say nagging what I really mean is, she is telling you the things which bother her. Generally when someone is complaining about something, it’s not so much because they want to make your life miserable but more likely at a deeper level they are really telling you what bugs them.

The best thing would be if we actually just said what we mean, but in my married life I’ve found a lot of times I have to look for clues as to what is meant. It’s probably because she doesn’t want to just nag me as she wants me to find out what it is she needs.

In the movie The Breakup, there is a great scene about this. The couple is arguing about household chores:

Brooke: “I want you to want to do the dishes.”

Gary: “Why would I want to do the dishes?”

And this is the story of married life; the wife wants you to do something and we as men are usually clueless to what she is really saying. You see it wasn’t about him actually doing the dishes as much as his willingness to do them. This willingness to do something is usually at the heart of all disagreements.

Finding out the things my wife likes and doing them and figuring out what she doesn’t like and not doing these makes me out to be the superhero she needs me to be and what man doesn’t want to be his bride’s superhero? And part of this means I’ve got to be looking for the things which show her how much I love her.

This is why I lift the toilet seat and put it back down, why I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and generally look for things to do which say to her heart, this man of yours really loves you. It’s all about the relationship and I want ours to be the best.

Guys take some time and listen for what your bride is really saying to you. It will take work to be her superhero, but it is doable and in the end worth it.

You Made a Promise, Now Keep It!

The conversation started like this, “Dave, I’ve met a girl.”

“What do you mean you met a girl?” Wondering as I said it, because he was already married.

“It’s a girl I knew from high school.”

Mentally scratching my head I thought, “Well, this can’t be good.”

This conversation happened many years ago, (no names to protect the innocent) and as he continued telling me about this girl he knew from high school who had turned up in his life again, I was shocked. This was WAY before Facebook too, so reconnecting with old flames isn’t a new thing.

At the time of our talk he had finished college, had a good paying job and was married.  He told me she had contacted him out of the blue; just to catch up you know, totally innocent.  But as the phone calls increased, they decided to hook up.  He made up a story about a hunting weekend, packed all his gear and ended up at the old girlfriend’s house for two and a half days.

“Man, it was the best sex I’ve ever had Dave.  I think I’m in love.”  He told me all of this in confidence, and it was knowledge I wished I’d never been given.  The more I thought about this in the days which followed, the more it ate at me.  I couldn’t help but think about his wife; who thought their marriage was great, never realizing all the numerous hunting and fishing trips he was taking as often as possible were really romantic liaisons with another woman.

We talked again a few weeks later, and you would’ve thought he was back in high school the way he talked about this new girl in his life.  He explained how they had dated in school, but a miscommunication their senior year caused them to break up.  He said, “I would’ve married her back then if it wasn’t for this.  I’ve gotta leave my wife and marry her, she’s my true love.”

I couldn’t take it any longer and said, “What about your marriage vows, you know, to have and to hold in sickness and in health until death parts you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know she still loved me.  I would’ve never gotten married if I’d known.  My high school sweetheart is the one I should’ve been with all along.”

“Man, cheating is wrong!  You made a commitment to your wife, and you should honor it.  You need to cut it off with this other girl now.”

There was more to this conversation; which involved a lot of yelling, cussing and him trying to make the case for why cheating on his wife was okay, me countering it with why is wasn’t, but when it was all said and done, what we had left was a broken friendship.  He went his way, and I went mine.  I heard a few months later he had left his wife and moved in with the old girlfriend.  I’ve got no idea where he is today.  His ex-wife remarried and is living happily ever after now with a great family.

I am an opinionated, self-righteous loud mouth at times.  I think if you have read my blogs you’ve probably figured out I am not a man who minces words when it comes to things I’m passionate about.  I don’t apologize for this, it is who I am.

One of the things I’m very passionate about is marriage.  Having been married for almost twenty-eight years to the same woman, I can tell you it is by far one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life.  Being married is also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; it takes a lot of work to make it great.

Cheating on your wife is wrong no matter what spin you put on it.  When you married her, you committed to stay with her forsaking all others; ALL.  This is pretty cut and dry, it means you will stay with her for the rest of your life.  Now some guys look at this as imprisonment, but then they don’t understand what marriage really is all about.

Marriage is about giving yourself completely to one person; and I’m not just talking about sexually, although this is one element of it.  When you give yourself completely to another person, you look out for their interests before your own.  You make sure their needs are met before meeting your own.

Many times you will hear people say, “Marriage is 50/50.  This is not true; to make your marriage work you have to give 100 percent.  This is why so many men fail in their marriages.  Now understand; I am speaking in general terms here, if this doesn’t apply to your marriage, then great, but more often than not the problem in marriages revolve around the husband.  After all, he is the head of the family, and the leader.  If he’s not leading well, then the marriage won’t be doing well.

I’m not really sure why I get so worked up about infidelity, but I know I hate it!  I hate what it does to the relationship between husband and wife.  And if there are kids in the mix, well it causes the problems to grow exponentially.

If your marriage isn’t what you want it to be guys, then make the necessary corrections in what you’re doing so it will be.  It’s not rocket science, give one hundred percent, taking care of the needs of your bride and she will reciprocate, I promise you.

 

 

 

 

 

Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam

Today I’d like to talk about something men hate, but let me forewarn you ladies, you may not like what I have to say at first, but I think if you will read this through to the end, you might end up agreeing with me.

Wives, when you tell your husband during sex, “Just hurry up and finish.” You might as well be saying, “You’re not worth my time.”  Now before you get mad at me, hear me out.  Sex is supposed to be the most intimate time a married couple can experience together.  It’s not just about the sexual act; it’s about connecting with one another on a level you share with no one else.

I know a lot of men who think sex is just about getting their rocks off, having a sandwich and then going to sleep.  But there is so much more and guys who only use women as their release valve really haven’t figured it out, regardless of what they think or say.

Having a positive sex life with your spouse takes time and effort on both of your parts.  If you tell your husband often to just hurry up and get off of you, I have a couple of questions to ask.  Is it because it’s painful?  Is he too rough?  Does he only pay attention to you when you’re having sex?  Are there things in your past you’ve been holding on to and possibly transferring to him when it comes time for sex?  Do you climax during sex, or is all about him?

I understand I’m speaking in very general terms here when I say this, but many women could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again and it would be perfectly fine with them.  Women usually aren’t as interested in sex as men are; therefore it’s up to us men to start working on things before ever making it to the bedroom.

I heard a man say one time, “Sex begins in the kitchen.”  He wasn’t saying to have sex in the kitchen, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but what he meant was, before ever getting her to take her clothes off, sex begins by doing little things around the house without her telling you to do them; like emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash or maybe giving her a break while you get dinner ready for the family.

I heard another speaker tell his audience, “When it comes to sex; women are like crock pots and men are like microwave ovens.”  Yeah, I know there seems to be a kitchen theme here, but stay with me.  A crock pot cooks your meal, but it may take all day to get it ready, where a microwave can cook your food in under a minute.The point he was making is it takes women longer to get ready for sex than it does men.

Guys start putting money in the bank so to speak by loving your bride in nonsexual ways.  Do little things around the house, rub her feet or back with no strings attached or bring her little gifts for no reason.  Loving her well before the actual sex act takes place will bring so much more passion to your lovemaking and will make it much more amazing for both of you.  And if you love her well before climbing into bed with her, she probably won’t be saying to you, “Hurry up and get off of me!” when you are having sex.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.

Sex

Sex.  This one little word has more power than just about any other.  It has set kingdoms on fire, toppled powerful men and has captured the minds of every boy once entering puberty.  It’s been described as dirty, only to be used for procreating and makes people feel uncomfortable when it is discussed in a group setting.

Before I was married, my knowledge of this subject came mostly from the movies I watched.  Oh, there was that one time when my mom handed me a pamphlet about it.  Can anyone say awkward?  Most of the movies I watched drove home this thought; women are as horny as men, and they want to have sex just as badly as men do.

My actual experience has taught me differently.  Obviously I’m speaking in general terms here, I’m sure there are a few women out there who like sex as much as men, but for the sake of this blog we will assume most women are not this way.

My knowledge about sex when I got married was you slide tab A into slot B as many times as possible until you got a release.  No one ever told me slot B should be experiencing a release as well.  A friend gave me some advice which helped me as a young married man, and continues to this day, he told me, “David, make sure momma gets her cookies before you do.”  What this means is don’t just hop on, finish and then hop off.  If you are not bringing your wife to orgasm every time, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy here.  Sex should be pleasurable for both of you.

What I’m not going to do is tell you what you should do; sex will be different for every couple.  What works for me and my bride may not work for you and yours.  The main thing here is you should be looking for ways to satisfy her before satisfying yourself.

You should never compare your sex life with other couples, and you really shouldn’t talk about your sex life (in detail) with other guys.  One thing I’ve learned from listening to men talk is they will lie about their sex life.  They will lie about the frequency, what she does and where they do it, usually anything to make themselves look better.

Sex with your wife is a special thing; one which should be only between the two of you.  If you talk about her in front of others, it disrespects her.  And if she happens to be there when you are talking about your sex life with others, it can embarrass her.  The only time you should talk about your sex life is when she has given you permission and you are trying to help another couple.  And then keep it simple; again don’t really go into detail.

A lot of guys who have talked to me tell me their sex life is nonexistent; maybe anniversaries, birthdays, or some other special occasion, which is sad.  I once heard a guy say he bought a years supply of condoms and it was a 12 pack; I thought to myself, “Wow poor guy”.

Maybe your sex life is like this, with a lack of frequency. My first question would be how are you treating your bride.  Are you helping out around the house, or with the kids, or do you roll over at night, nudge her and say, “Hey, wanna do it?”  Don’t be a gorilla, be tender with her and help out around the house.  Take out the trash without being told to, talk nice to her and give her a hug or foot rub without any strings attached.

After she’s had a hard day; send her out to get coffee with some friends while you stay home and take care of the kids for the evening.  When you do these kinds of things, she will notice and it will pay you huge dividends later.

One last thought here, if you have not been doing things like this to love her before having sex with her, don’t expect the first time you do it for her to strip off her clothes and attack you.  It may take time and effort on your part.  Don’t quit just because you don’t see results right away.  She may be watching to see if this is just another ploy for you to get into her pants.

If this is your only motivation for making changes, you will never see a great sex life in your future.  Believe me, a great sex life in marriage is possible, but it does take consistent effort and work from you.  Do this however, and it won’t be long before you’ll be sliding your tab into her slot.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt-free Sex

I remember one day back when I was an eleven year old boy; I was home and bored and went looking for an adventure.  This ended with me going through my dad’s dresser drawers.  The thoughts of getting caught only heightened the excitement with each drawer I opened, ending with the fourth drawer on top and something inside which changed my life forever; a picture of a naked lady.

My adventure had paid off and as I thought, “Wow!” in my nether regions there was an exclamation point of another kind.  A desire was awaked there which I had never experienced before and one which has not abated to this day.  This was the day I was introduced to the desire of a woman.

One night not too long ago, I was perusing Netflix and came across a movie entitled “Hot Bot”.  I could tell it was going to be about sex from the half naked girl on the title screen, and I wish I could tell you I skipped right over it in one of my holier moments, but I didn’t.  I started the movie; wondering what exactly I was going to see, but just a few minutes into it there was a topless girl,  so I stopped the show and turned off my television feeling a little bit guilty for having watched even those few minutes.

The one thing about this movie which did get me to thinking was this notion of having a robot around just for sex.  Truthfully I don’t know what the exact story of this movie was, but it definitely seemed to revolve around having sex without any type of entanglements; like being married or in a committed relationship.  It did get me to thinking about the idea of guilt-free sex though and is there really such a thing?

Men are hard wired for sex, and we are aroused by what we see more than any other form of stimulus.  It is part of how we as men were created and if it weren’t for this attraction to the opposite sex we probably wouldn’t be very interested in girls in the first place.

Now before my female audience says all men are pigs; I’m not saying women are here just for men’s pleasure and to be objectified.  It’s true the female form is beautiful, alluring and a work of art, but this does not give men the right to leer, stare and see her only as an object to be conquered.

A committed relationship should be the first requirement for all sexual encounters between a man and a woman.  Yeah, this is probably not a popular thought in the minds of men who think multiple sexual encounters is where it’s at, but it is the truth.  To be brutally honest, if you are only using women to “get your rocks off”, then you’ve missed the whole point of sex.

What is the point of sex then?  Sex isn’t the focal point of a relationship; it is the end result of a man and a woman sharing their lives together.  As a man and a woman do life together; sharing in both the successes and failures it brings, sex helps to cement the fact they are in it together and not alone.

Extramarital affairs, viewing porn and sowing your wild oats may sound like a great life, but the end results usually produce guilt.  Not to bore you with the science behind what goes on in a man’s brain when sex is involved, but there is this chemical called dopamine which is released into the pleasure center of the brain.  When you have a sexual experience, this chemical gets dumped into your brain, resulting in the euphoric feeling you have.

The problem with sex outside of a committed marriage relationship is it takes more and more stimuli to get the same amount of dopamine into your system.  If you watch porn, then after a while you will need to watch more provocative things to get the same reaction.  And once the new wears off of the affair you’re in, you will need more; a new partner, or doing stranger things than at first to get that same fulfillment.

What you will find with all of this however is guilt shows up every time.  You may not recognize it at first, because of the excitement of what you are doing, but eventually guilt will worm its way into your brain.  Even the most desensitized person will recognize it after a while.  Whether or not you admit it to yourself is another thing altogether, but as you lay in bed in the dark of night alone with your thoughts, you’ll begin to see how unfulfilling all of these things are.

Is there guilt-free sex then?  The answer is yes, and it is found in the committed marriage relationship of a man and a woman.  Two people on the journey of life with all of its ups and downs, committed to staying with each other no matter what comes against them. Giving their bodies to each other through sexual fulfillment and no other, keeping the marriage bed undefiled.

Can you do this?  The answer is yes most definitely.  Men, you have what it takes to be the lover your woman needs; stop objectifying her, and look to her needs first.  If you are viewing porn, then commit to stopping; it’s not helping you and in fact actually hurting you.  If you have had, or are in an extramarital affair, get out of it.  Get into counseling with your wife, work out the problems and make your marriage work.  It’ll be worth it, I promise!

If you need help in any of these areas shoot me an email and let’s talk.  No condemnation, because listen you do have what it takes, and there is way more to you than meets the eye.  You are destined for greatness, let’s see you get there.

Now you know what I think, tell me what you think.

 

 

 

 

 

Strip Clubs

What’s with this desire some men have to go to strip clubs?  They will spend hundreds of dollars on booze, lap dances and who knows what else, just to go home frustrated.  I can honestly say I have never stepped foot inside one of these establishments and never will.

When I was twenty-one I stayed in New Orleans with a friend from college.  We spent an entire day in the French Quarter drinking our way from one bar to the next.  As we walked past a strip club, my friend said, “Hey, let’s go in here!”  My reply was instead to suggest we go into the wax museum which was right next door.  We did neither and just found another watering hole.

Even when I was single, living for myself and doing whatever I wanted to do, I never had any desire to go watch a bunch of half naked women dance around a pole and put my hard earned money into their g-strings.  It’s not because I don’t like women, on the contrary; I think the greatest creation God ever made was the female form; it’s like an inspired work of art.  Strip clubs have always just seemed sleazy to me. I’m not saying the girls are sleazy, I can’t make this judgement as I don’t know their stories.

Nothing captivates my attention more than my bride’s body.  Believe me, if you were to ask her, she’d tell you I’m a little bit obsessed with it (even though this aggravates her most of the time).  It’s a God given desire placed in all men and is a great thing as long as it’s used correctly.

Electricity is a great thing. When you use it properly it will light and cool your home and is what is allowing me to write this.  But if you disregard the rules concerning electricity, it can kill you.  Fire is another thing which is good; you can use it to heat your home, cook your food and I love to sit alongside my fire pit on a cool evening with friends, but again there is the possibility of death if handled incorrectly.

The desire to see a woman’s naked bodies is much the same.  In the context of marriage it’s not a bad thing, but if mishandled leads to time lost, money spent, and ignoring your family.  If left unchecked, this desire will lead you eventually to sitting on pervert row in a strip club leering at dancing women who may have their own issues.

I’m not a prude, but I do know this, strip clubs are not the answer to this desire inside of men.  What will cultivate this area in you is to love one woman and build a life together.  Spend time connecting with your bride, and you will find the results will be much healthier, not to mention, you won’t go home at night frustrated and all your money gone.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Husbands, Are You Helping Your Bride To Soar?

It was a rainy Sunday morning outside, but the Son was shining brightly during the worship portion of our weekly church service.  Watching my son and his wife lead us in song, I thought back to when Holly was more timid and shy as she sang.  I remembered she said Micah was very encouraging and helpful to her in the pursuit of everything she did and how it had helped her grow in every area she pursued.  As I pondered this, a thought  came to me I’d like to share with you.

It is the husband’s responsibility to afford his wife the opportunities to develop her life and become the fullest representation of a woman in Christ she can be.  The man who refuses to do this for his bride is a selfish man who lacks the knowledge of what it means to be a true and authentic man of God.

~ David W Felts

After jotting this thought in my phone; I began thinking about my wife and what I’ve done over the years to encourage her in pursuing those things which make her heart come alive.  Have I done enough, or does she possibly feel stifled in who she is as a woman because of me? Have I been encouraging as a husband, or a needy little boy with his own agenda?

I believe men are supposed to be three things; a lover, leader and provider. I look to these three areas of my life often to see if I’m being the man my bride needs me to be. It’s not always easy; there are times I just want to run off and do what I want to do instead of the things I need to do in order to be the man I’m supposed to be. But I come back to what my responsibilities are and do what’s right.  I guess this is what separates the men from the boys.

Don’t get me wrong, I think men need to spend time their friends too; all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy after all. As men however, we should be putting the needs of our brides and family before anything else, including our own needs. I know this is not a popular thought in the world today, and the men who live to put the needs of their families before their own are often ostracized by the men who don’t do this.

My life is more fulfilled when I’m helping my bride become who she is supposed to be and spending less time on just what I want to do. I guess the old saying it is better to give than receive really rings true in this instance. If you’re one of those guys who says, “Sure I love you.  I married you didn’t I?” but insists on his own way first, perhaps you should take a closer look at your bride and see if she is a better person after having been with you than she was before she met you. If not Bubba it’s time for you to make a change.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?

Hi, My Name Is ED And I’m Addicted To Porn

Their dinner finished and the kitchen cleaned, John and Suzy settled into their respective places in the living room; she on the couch reading her latest romance novel and he in his recliner on his phone surfing the web.  This had become a typical night home for them, now in their second year of marriage.

Turning page after page only heightened her desire for John as the evening wore on.  And after about an hour she laid the book down, got up and walked over to him.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw her moving towards him and quickly switched the screen of his phone over to Facebook from the pornographic images he was scrolling through.

“Honey, let’s go to the bedroom.” she purred tugging on his earlobe with her lips.

“Sounds good,” he said, “go on and get ready and I’ll be there in a minute.”

Running her fingers across his chest she rose and went to the bedroom.  Quickly he opened the browser on his phone and started looking for a video which would give him an erection before heading to the bedroom.

Porn usages have risen in the world by extraordinary rates in the past few years, and with it so has erectile dysfunction. One thing which has not been discussed much until recently however is the connection between porn usage and ED.  In watching a video about this subject I was surprised to hear that many young men now between the ages of 18 – 25 have little to no desire for sex.  What?!?  When I was this age, it was predominantly on my mind.  Oh who am I kidding?  It’s still predominantly on my mind today and I’m 52.

In his book “The Brain That Changes Itself”, MD Norman Doidge said,

“Today, young men who surf porn are tremendously fearful of impotence or “erectile dysfunction” as it is euphemistically called.  The misleading term implies that these men have a problem with their penises, but the problem is in their heads.  It rarely occurs to them that there may be a relationship between the pornography they are consuming and their impotence.”

An interesting finding is intense exposure to pornographic stimuli results in a down regulation of the natural neural response to sexual stimuli.  Meaning quite simply, when you flood your mind with pornographic images seeing your wife’s naked body just doesn’t do it for you any more.

The question I must ask, is why do you feel the need to look at porn in the first place? Is there something missing in your relationship with your bride, or did you bring this into your marriage from bachelorhood? Whatever the reason, you need to eradicate porn from the equation of your relationship.

If you are suffering from ED, don’t go to the doctor for a pill; the problem is more than likely not in your pants, it’s in what you’re viewing, so stop your porn usage. The one thing I found in my study of this, is the men who are having trouble with ED when they stopped their porn intake, regained their normal sexual desire within a few months.

The good news is this is one area where willpower actually is the main ingredient in your success. If it helps however, find a good accountability software and put it on your phone and computer.  Slay this giant before it slays you, and get back to enjoying sexual fulfillment with your bride, you’ll be glad you did and so will she.

 

 

 

Father of the Bride…Are You Ready?

April Walking down the aisleI stood there in my borrowed hospital scrubs; little paper covers on my tennis shoes, while fidgeting with the blue hair cover trying to keep it out of my eyes.  The time had come for my baby girl to make her entrance into the world, and I was there to be a spectator of the birth.

My wife was about to go under the knife for the second time, and this time the doctor had told her I could watch.  This wasn’t my choice, I would have preferred the old fashion way of childbirth where the fathers wait in the waiting room, then see their child after they’ve been cleaned up.  But my wife wanted me there, so there I was.

They ushered me into the room, showed me where to stand and then began the procedure.  Thankfully I was far enough away to not see them slicing through my bride’s skin, and when the doctor raised her stomach and told me what she was doing, the room did spin for a moment.  There are just some parts of your wife you never really want to see.

But I made it; watching them as they removed my baby girl, hearing her first cry and starting the journey of having my heart melt time and again because of her.

There is a special bond between a dad and his daughter.  I love my other kids too, but there is just something about little girls and what they can do to their daddy’s heart.  Through the years of Sponge Bob, friends, sleepovers, tea parties and a host of other things I would have never thought I would have been a part of; my baby girl grew into a beautiful young woman.

Like most girls, she met and fell in love with a young man, and the two of them decided to get married.  As we were looking at the venue she wanted to use for her ceremony, it dawned on me how I had completely missed out on something as a dad, and I want to share with those of you who have daughters so you don’t miss out on this too.

As the planning took on shape, it dawned on me I was going to have to come up with a lot of money to make her dream wedding come true.  I’ve not always been real good with my money, and I realized as the bills began to come in how I should have started saving for this when she was a little girl.

It would’ve been so easy too.  If I would have set aside just $5 a week when she was born, at the end of 18 years I would have had $4,680.  For $10 a week the sum grows to $9,360, $15 a week becomes $14,040, $20 a week would’ve given me $18,720 and if I had put aside $25 a week it would have netted me $23,400 in the bank.

The main thing is, if I’d had set aside a little bit each week, my wife and I wouldn’t have had to work the extra hours for the months prior to the wedding to provide this for her.  I’m glad we were able to give her the wedding she’d dreamed about, and we never had to tell her she couldn’t have something because of money, but a little preplanning on my part would have been great.

Dads, I know you don’t want to think about your baby girl getting married and moving away, but you do need to start setting aside a little bit each week for when this does happen.  When the day comes, it will make her wedding dreams come true when you tell her she can have whatever she wants because you have the money set aside for it.

Now you know what I think, what do you think?